Freedoom and Magic

Battling my weight and evaluating my self worth has been like a life long war on myself.  I have never felt completely comfortable in my own skin.  I am not even sure I would recognize that sensation.  Almost all of my earliest memories involve me feeling bad about the way I look or the size of my body.  There has never been a time in my life when I have felt like I was good enough for my family, my teachers, my classmates, the people I thought were my friends and certainly not ever for myself. I have very few "happy" childhood memories.  All my life, there has been someone who has pointed out my flaws to the point of taking how uncomfortable I feel to a whole other level.

I have been on this part of my journey now for a little over 3 1/2 years.  My life has certainly changed quite a bit for the better, but still, I have not reached my goal.  Sometimes, I feel as though my goal is unattainable. Sometimes I feel like I am racing toward a constantly disappearing finish line.  There are days that I just feel like giving up.  On cold winter mornings when I have to wake up even earlier to warm and scrape my car for the 25 minute drive to the gym, I think to myself "why the hell am I sitting in my cold car at 5:30am.  I could have just stayed in bed for an extra 2 hours?" 

Then I arrive at the gym and it all becomes clear to me.  I feel free as soon as I walk through the doors.  Never in my life have I felt as strong or like I belong more than I do when I am in my gym.  There is no judgement allowed.  I am not allowed to judge myself or think that anyone else is judging me.  I have learned to focus on the task I am given.  I look at what is in front of me and nothing else.  When I start to over think or pace, I am quickly put in my place. 

Then the magic begins.

My body has been pushed to limits I never even knew existed.  I have jumped, squatted, lunged, lifted, thrown, punched, kicked and sweated more than I ever dreamed possible.  I have also laughed, cried, been bruised, bled and swore about as much.  Nothing in my life has ever made an impact on me as when I walk through the doors of my gym.  My physical strength has improved so much, I sometimes shock myself.  My mental strength is building as well, even if it is a little slower.  I am still very hard on myself, but I am learning to be nicer to myself.  It is a hard lesson though.

So even though sometimes I feel as though I am on a hamster wheel in regards to reaching my fitness goals, I am now aware more than ever that every time I walk through those doors, I am one step closer to being stronger, healthier and happier than I was the last time I was there.  I have already achieved so much.  And once I reach my goals, I will have new ones to attain. 

There is no finish line. 

Another New Year, Another Chance to Start Over

As I sit here on December 31, 2013,  I am amazed at how far I have come in three short years.  In 2010, my life was on a quick spiral to an even darker place than I was in.  I felt lost, alone, desperate and like I just couldn't go on any further.  It was a hopeless, dark hole with no foreseeable way to get out.

Thankfully, I am not in that dark place any more.  Today I am stronger, happier and healthier than I ever have been in my whole life.

But, there is still progress to be made. 

I used to think that I was racing toward this invisible finish line, that I was in a race with myself and the people surrounding me.  I felt panicked, like I was in a dream and my legs would not move, no matter how hard I tried to run.

I have learned that taking life one day at a time, living life on Life's terms and simply trying to be better than I was yesterday is all I need to do.  I do not need to compete with anyone.  I do not need to compare myself to the progress or the abilities of anyone except the person I was yesterday.   When I do fall into that cycle, I simply frustrate myself into failure.

I no longer make resolutions.  Those are simply broken promises I deceive myself with.  For 2014, I have a list of goals.  Some of them are big and some are small.  Thankfully, I now know that is okay.  I no longer think I need to conquer the world by January 15th.

Over the last year, I have made further physical strides than I have ever dreamed possible.  I could never have imagined myself doing the things that I have accomplished in 2013.  I feel like a completely different person than the sad, lonely girl I was in 2010.  I no longer feel like I just want my life to end so the pain would stop.  I now crave the day-after ache from a brutal workout. I am addicted to the hour I spend with my trainer.   I wake up at 530am so I can train at 630am.  I drive more than 20 minutes to my gym 6 days a week.  These are the most wonderful gifts I have ever given myself.

And still, I will never forget the girl that was swollen, obese and broken  She was in a constant food fog, letting her life pass her by while getting more miserable, more uncomfortable and more despondent with each passing minute.  That girl will always be a part of who I am.  She will always be there to remind me of how it was, how it very easily could be and how I never want to be ever again.

So, as 2013 turns into 2014, I find myself so very grateful.   I am grateful for the lessons I have learned this past year, whether they were challenging or clear and easy.  Every lesson is so important.   I am grateful for the amazing people who have fallen into my life that support me at every turn.  Most days I am astonished at how lucky I am.   I am also grateful for the not so wonderful people I have encountered, for they have offered me growth and self reflection.  I am grateful for my health and my new outlook on life.    I refuse to give up on myself.  I will get up if I fall.

I am my own Heroine.