As I sit here on December 31, 2013, I am amazed at how far I have come in three short years. In 2010, my life was on a quick spiral to an even darker place than I was in. I felt lost, alone, desperate and like I just couldn't go on any further. It was a hopeless, dark hole with no foreseeable way to get out.
Thankfully, I am not in that dark place any more. Today I am stronger, happier and healthier than I ever have been in my whole life.
But, there is still progress to be made.
I used to think that I was racing toward this invisible finish line, that I was in a race with myself and the people surrounding me. I felt panicked, like I was in a dream and my legs would not move, no matter how hard I tried to run.
I have learned that taking life one day at a time, living life on Life's terms and simply trying to be better than I was yesterday is all I need to do. I do not need to compete with anyone. I do not need to compare myself to the progress or the abilities of anyone except the person I was yesterday. When I do fall into that cycle, I simply frustrate myself into failure.
I no longer make resolutions. Those are simply broken promises I deceive myself with. For 2014, I have a list of goals. Some of them are big and some are small. Thankfully, I now know that is okay. I no longer think I need to conquer the world by January 15th.
Over the last year, I have made further physical strides than I have ever dreamed possible. I could never have imagined myself doing the things that I have accomplished in 2013. I feel like a completely different person than the sad, lonely girl I was in 2010. I no longer feel like I just want my life to end so the pain would stop. I now crave the day-after ache from a brutal workout. I am addicted to the hour I spend with my trainer. I wake up at 530am so I can train at 630am. I drive more than 20 minutes to my gym 6 days a week. These are the most wonderful gifts I have ever given myself.
And still, I will never forget the girl that was swollen, obese and broken She was in a constant food fog, letting her life pass her by while getting more miserable, more uncomfortable and more despondent with each passing minute. That girl will always be a part of who I am. She will always be there to remind me of how it was, how it very easily could be and how I never want to be ever again.
So, as 2013 turns into 2014, I find myself so very grateful. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned this past year, whether they were challenging or clear and easy. Every lesson is so important. I am grateful for the amazing people who have fallen into my life that support me at every turn. Most days I am astonished at how lucky I am. I am also grateful for the not so wonderful people I have encountered, for they have offered me growth and self reflection. I am grateful for my health and my new outlook on life. I refuse to give up on myself. I will get up if I fall.
I am my own Heroine.
Brava my Mary! May this new year continue with resolve, good health, much laughter, love and fulfillment! You are amazing!
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