Freedoom and Magic

Battling my weight and evaluating my self worth has been like a life long war on myself.  I have never felt completely comfortable in my own skin.  I am not even sure I would recognize that sensation.  Almost all of my earliest memories involve me feeling bad about the way I look or the size of my body.  There has never been a time in my life when I have felt like I was good enough for my family, my teachers, my classmates, the people I thought were my friends and certainly not ever for myself. I have very few "happy" childhood memories.  All my life, there has been someone who has pointed out my flaws to the point of taking how uncomfortable I feel to a whole other level.

I have been on this part of my journey now for a little over 3 1/2 years.  My life has certainly changed quite a bit for the better, but still, I have not reached my goal.  Sometimes, I feel as though my goal is unattainable. Sometimes I feel like I am racing toward a constantly disappearing finish line.  There are days that I just feel like giving up.  On cold winter mornings when I have to wake up even earlier to warm and scrape my car for the 25 minute drive to the gym, I think to myself "why the hell am I sitting in my cold car at 5:30am.  I could have just stayed in bed for an extra 2 hours?" 

Then I arrive at the gym and it all becomes clear to me.  I feel free as soon as I walk through the doors.  Never in my life have I felt as strong or like I belong more than I do when I am in my gym.  There is no judgement allowed.  I am not allowed to judge myself or think that anyone else is judging me.  I have learned to focus on the task I am given.  I look at what is in front of me and nothing else.  When I start to over think or pace, I am quickly put in my place. 

Then the magic begins.

My body has been pushed to limits I never even knew existed.  I have jumped, squatted, lunged, lifted, thrown, punched, kicked and sweated more than I ever dreamed possible.  I have also laughed, cried, been bruised, bled and swore about as much.  Nothing in my life has ever made an impact on me as when I walk through the doors of my gym.  My physical strength has improved so much, I sometimes shock myself.  My mental strength is building as well, even if it is a little slower.  I am still very hard on myself, but I am learning to be nicer to myself.  It is a hard lesson though.

So even though sometimes I feel as though I am on a hamster wheel in regards to reaching my fitness goals, I am now aware more than ever that every time I walk through those doors, I am one step closer to being stronger, healthier and happier than I was the last time I was there.  I have already achieved so much.  And once I reach my goals, I will have new ones to attain. 

There is no finish line.