Lose weight -- Get a Husband.

I will be the first to admit, my self confidence is not my strongest asset.  It has been getting much better over the last few years, but it has been the toughest muscle to build for sure.  It has held me back from doing many things in my life.  I have avoided situations, avoided people, ruined relationships, stopped myself from doing things I really wanted to do all because I have had no self confidence. 

In January of 2011, when I walked through the doors of my local big box gym, I had managed to gain a little bit of confidence.  I decided I would go in, do what I needed to do and leave.  It seemed friendly enough there.  At least that is what their advertisement suggested.  It was shiny and new and gave out promises of creating a shiny, new me.  That is what I wanted....a new me.

Of course, when I went in, I was beguiled into a 6 session package with a trainer of their choosing.  I wasn't even sure if I would be meeting with a male or a female.  I wasn't even sure if I would be comfortable or connect with this person.  All I really wanted to do was join the gym quietly, use the treadmill every once in a while and leave.  But, since I was trying to create a new and better me, I did what they suggested and met with the trainer.  After three sessions, we had a "sit-down conversation" where he laid out my options to continue on, reviewing all the wonderful reasons he was the one to change my life.  Of course most of the reasons were thinly veiled insults.  There was a concerted effort to break down the little bit of confidence I had built in order to writhe himself in. 

And break down my confidence he did.

When he was reviewing with me all of the many reasons a thinner version of me would be such a better version, he asked if there was a man in my life.  I was taken aback and tried to pretend I didn't know where his line of questioning was going. But I knew.  I ashamedly said "No."  He then printed in big bold letters on my personal evaluation form the word *HUSBAND* and circled it vigorously numerous times.  I actually thought the pen would rip the paper.  I could feel my face flush red with embarrassment and I felt a little sick.  Basically he was telling me I was single and therefore must be miserable due to the fact that I was obese.  And because I was overweight, I was worthless.  My worth was in direct relation to size of my ass.  If I were  thinner, I would be a better person and therefore attract a man and therefore be complete.  Damn you, Renee Zellweger.

And I believed him.

Of course I believed him!!!  I have believed this my whole life.  I have always believed if I was thinner (and of course prettier), I would be happier, richer, more successful, more likeable and just an all around better person.  I have just never had anyone so blatantly point it out to me.  So I thought if this bouncy, young, fit trainer was confirming it for me, it really must be true.  I really was worthless because I was fat.  So when he told me how much this magical training was going to cost me, he actually huffed in disgust that I would question the number.  Why would I put a limit on the amount of money I would spend on this new,shinier and most importantly thinner version of myself?  I wanted a husband, didn't I?  So of course, I signed up for 6 months of training with him.   

Now don't get me wrong, it was not all bad.  I did lose a little weight and I created a habit of becoming more active.  I worked on becoming healthier and I tried to become focused.  My training ran out and I opted not to sign up again for various reasons. 

Thankfully since that moment of deep embarrassment, I have made great strides in my self confidence and my self worth.  My only concern now is being better than the person I was yesterday.  Those words and weakly disguised insults have stopped hurting me long ago.  I am blessed with a new found determination for personal success.  I have come to realize that on the other side of this deep fear and lack of confidence I have had for so long is a freedom I could have never dreamed of.  I am a much better version of myself today.

And I am still single.

Roasted Broccoli

Eating clean has always been a challenge for me.  I have a long, complicated relationship with food.   I have dieted, binged, starved, not cared, cared deeply, lost weight and gained it over and over again.  I love food.  I like to eat delicious things!

Lately, I have been trying very hard to stay on an Eat Clean path, but I will be the first to admit that it is not easy to do.  A big part of this is that I get so bored.  When I get bored, I graze.  When I graze, I lose all focus and determination.

So my new strategy is to take clean eating ingredients and make them as interesting while maintaining their "clean" quality. 

Clean & cut Broccoli

I saw a posting for Roasted Broccoli online somewhere and thought....hmmm.....I've got to try this one.

So, I start with a clean head of broccoli, cut the florets off.  I find the smaller I cut them, the quicker they become tender in the oven. 



Then toss the broccoli florets together with 2 tablespoons of olive oil and spread them on a cookie sheet. sprayed with a non-stick spray.  I use Pam.  Then I sprinkle Epicure Sesame Crunch Topper.  But you could use whatever spice you wanted. 

You can use whatever spice you want

I have pre-set my oven to Broil, pop them in the oven and just keep an eye on them.  It depends how big you cut your broccoli as to how long it will take.  This batch took maybe 5 minutes.  Just keep an eye on it and when it starts to get a little brown around the edges, it is usually done.

Sometimes I like to sprinkle some cheese on top.




This is my newest favourite treat.

~YUMMY!!!!~

Freedoom and Magic

Battling my weight and evaluating my self worth has been like a life long war on myself.  I have never felt completely comfortable in my own skin.  I am not even sure I would recognize that sensation.  Almost all of my earliest memories involve me feeling bad about the way I look or the size of my body.  There has never been a time in my life when I have felt like I was good enough for my family, my teachers, my classmates, the people I thought were my friends and certainly not ever for myself. I have very few "happy" childhood memories.  All my life, there has been someone who has pointed out my flaws to the point of taking how uncomfortable I feel to a whole other level.

I have been on this part of my journey now for a little over 3 1/2 years.  My life has certainly changed quite a bit for the better, but still, I have not reached my goal.  Sometimes, I feel as though my goal is unattainable. Sometimes I feel like I am racing toward a constantly disappearing finish line.  There are days that I just feel like giving up.  On cold winter mornings when I have to wake up even earlier to warm and scrape my car for the 25 minute drive to the gym, I think to myself "why the hell am I sitting in my cold car at 5:30am.  I could have just stayed in bed for an extra 2 hours?" 

Then I arrive at the gym and it all becomes clear to me.  I feel free as soon as I walk through the doors.  Never in my life have I felt as strong or like I belong more than I do when I am in my gym.  There is no judgement allowed.  I am not allowed to judge myself or think that anyone else is judging me.  I have learned to focus on the task I am given.  I look at what is in front of me and nothing else.  When I start to over think or pace, I am quickly put in my place. 

Then the magic begins.

My body has been pushed to limits I never even knew existed.  I have jumped, squatted, lunged, lifted, thrown, punched, kicked and sweated more than I ever dreamed possible.  I have also laughed, cried, been bruised, bled and swore about as much.  Nothing in my life has ever made an impact on me as when I walk through the doors of my gym.  My physical strength has improved so much, I sometimes shock myself.  My mental strength is building as well, even if it is a little slower.  I am still very hard on myself, but I am learning to be nicer to myself.  It is a hard lesson though.

So even though sometimes I feel as though I am on a hamster wheel in regards to reaching my fitness goals, I am now aware more than ever that every time I walk through those doors, I am one step closer to being stronger, healthier and happier than I was the last time I was there.  I have already achieved so much.  And once I reach my goals, I will have new ones to attain. 

There is no finish line. 

Another New Year, Another Chance to Start Over

As I sit here on December 31, 2013,  I am amazed at how far I have come in three short years.  In 2010, my life was on a quick spiral to an even darker place than I was in.  I felt lost, alone, desperate and like I just couldn't go on any further.  It was a hopeless, dark hole with no foreseeable way to get out.

Thankfully, I am not in that dark place any more.  Today I am stronger, happier and healthier than I ever have been in my whole life.

But, there is still progress to be made. 

I used to think that I was racing toward this invisible finish line, that I was in a race with myself and the people surrounding me.  I felt panicked, like I was in a dream and my legs would not move, no matter how hard I tried to run.

I have learned that taking life one day at a time, living life on Life's terms and simply trying to be better than I was yesterday is all I need to do.  I do not need to compete with anyone.  I do not need to compare myself to the progress or the abilities of anyone except the person I was yesterday.   When I do fall into that cycle, I simply frustrate myself into failure.

I no longer make resolutions.  Those are simply broken promises I deceive myself with.  For 2014, I have a list of goals.  Some of them are big and some are small.  Thankfully, I now know that is okay.  I no longer think I need to conquer the world by January 15th.

Over the last year, I have made further physical strides than I have ever dreamed possible.  I could never have imagined myself doing the things that I have accomplished in 2013.  I feel like a completely different person than the sad, lonely girl I was in 2010.  I no longer feel like I just want my life to end so the pain would stop.  I now crave the day-after ache from a brutal workout. I am addicted to the hour I spend with my trainer.   I wake up at 530am so I can train at 630am.  I drive more than 20 minutes to my gym 6 days a week.  These are the most wonderful gifts I have ever given myself.

And still, I will never forget the girl that was swollen, obese and broken  She was in a constant food fog, letting her life pass her by while getting more miserable, more uncomfortable and more despondent with each passing minute.  That girl will always be a part of who I am.  She will always be there to remind me of how it was, how it very easily could be and how I never want to be ever again.

So, as 2013 turns into 2014, I find myself so very grateful.   I am grateful for the lessons I have learned this past year, whether they were challenging or clear and easy.  Every lesson is so important.   I am grateful for the amazing people who have fallen into my life that support me at every turn.  Most days I am astonished at how lucky I am.   I am also grateful for the not so wonderful people I have encountered, for they have offered me growth and self reflection.  I am grateful for my health and my new outlook on life.    I refuse to give up on myself.  I will get up if I fall.

I am my own Heroine. 

Lessons and Life Changes

One year ago, my life flipped upside down.

I was told about a trainer by a co-worker.  She was selling tickets to fund raise for a local event and one of the "prizes" was one month free of bootcamp and 5 free training sessions with this friend of hers named Ryan.  I had stopped with a trainer at a big box gym that I had trained with for about 6 months.  I enjoyed it but I was not passionate about continuing on.  I had made strides in my weight loss but I knew I was losing my momentum.  I knew I needed something.

So, I made the decision to meet with Ryan "Manimal" Staples about training with him and I have not looked back since.

That first day, I drove up and down Sackville Dr. for a while and then I sat in my car in the parking lot for another while just to build the courage to walk through the doors of a Martial Arts Gym to meet with someone named "Manimal". If that isn't stepping outside of my comfort zone, I do not know what is. It was not an easy decision for this fat girl but it was by far the best one I have ever made for myself.  I can remember sitting in the parking lot, thinking to myself "THIS is where he works?"  I will admit, I was very skeptical.  After all, my last gym was big, shiny, two floors and full of spandex and mirrors.  On this day, I was looking at the basement of a car parts store, with some mats thrown down on the floor.  The main door, which was a garage door was pulled up and it looked pretty dingy.  I took a deep breath and got out of my car.

One year later, I am stronger, happier and healthier than I ever have been in my whole life.

Am I at my goal? No, I am not. But I know that I will get there because I have the support of someone who *truly* cares;  someone who is invested in my health, physical and emotional well being, beyond a pay cheque.  That is so rare and so precious.  I have never, in my whole life, had one ounce of the support that I get from Ryan.  I have always been the girl that was ignored, laughed at and bullied.  I skipped gym class and used the fact that I had a problem with my knee to my advantage as much as I possible could.  Today, I am pushing myself further than I ever have.  I am not allowed to baby my knee any more.

Ryan calls me on my bullshit on a regular basis (which is often and what I totally need) and *will not* say "I told you so.", even when I really, really deserve it. Ryan has seen me at my absolute worst yet I have never once felt uncomfortable around him. Months ago, when I bolted from Bootcamp because I thought I could not keep up and thought I wasn't good enough, he made it his priority then and continues to make sure I know that I am good enough and that the people in my life, my gym family, care about me and want me to succeed and will do whatever they can to help me get to my goals.

I feel very blessed to have such a driving force in my life and I never, ever take it for granted.  I have achieved things I never even dreamed possible.  I never dreamed it because this life I am living now was never in my realm of what my reality could be.  I was the girl that wanted to wake up thin.  I actually would lay in bed and pray to God to wake up with a body like Cindy Crawford. I would bargain with him...."If you give me a skinny body, I will be the best person ever."  Then I would be indignant because I had the same out of shape body in the morning.  Today, I am working to have a body like Ronda Rousey.  I am working for it.  I am not there but I am closer than I have ever been in my life.  It feels good to have new priorities.

This past year has been life changing. And I know THIS is just the beginning. Anything is possible, if only you believe in yourself. And if you can't believe in yourself yet, finding someone who does is one of the best blessings you could hope for.

That is me in the pink top in the upper left hand corner.  Ryan is in the middle, throwing up his arms in victory.  This is my happy place.  I am never happier than when I am sweating and feel like I am going to throw up. 

Top 10 Things I Learned from 8 Weeks of Hell

I have just completed an Eight week bootcamp that my instructor affectionately called Eight Weeks of Hell.  It was intense.  Some days were harder than others, but I am so glad that I did it.  It was definitely a learning experience in more ways than one.  These are the top 10 things that I learned during this 8 week program.



10.  Just because people pay money for an exercise regime, doesn't mean they are going to follow it.  I was shocked at the amount of people that disappeared from class.  We started out with 24 people.  Today, the last day, there were 5 of us. 

9.  You don't need any fancy equipment to get an amazing work-out.  Body weight exercises can be just as or MORE effective than any kind of equipment.  Squats, push ups, sit ups, jumping jacks, v-sits, burpees....if done in the right combination, can be exhausting.

8.  I CAN do push-ups from my toes.  Who knew???

7.  Surrounding yourself with positive, like-minded people is the best gift you can give yourself.  It is much easier to do this sort of regime with a support team in place.

6.  If you think you can't sweat any more than you already have, you are wrong.  OH boy, are you wrong!!!

5.  Closing my eyes while doing a wall sit really does work.  Wall sits are a gift from hell.  Closing my eyes and focusing on my breathing helps to get me through.  Otherwise, I am looking all around and lose posture too quickly.

4.  The word "burpees" instills pain as well as panic in the hearts of many...mostly me.

3.  I really can do more than I ever thought I could.  I have never had the confidence in myself to believe that I could do what I have done over the past 8 weeks.

2.  To be proud of my accomplishments, no matter how big or small they are.  This has been a hard lesson as I feel everything should be perfect, the first time I do it...which is utterly ridiculous.  I am so proud of myself for doing what I have done.

1.  Never, ever question Ryan.  There is always a reason for everything he has us do.

Fear and Loathing

"Fear is stupid.  So are regrets."  Marilyn Monroe

Well, last night was quite possibly the worst night I have ever had at the gym.  I went to bootcamp with what I thought was a fairly positive attitude.  I completed about 50 minutes of it.  Then, we had to army crawl down the gym, sprint back, do a push up and crawl back repeating it until we did it 5 times.  As soon as we were told to line up, I could feel the anxiety start to build and my eyes start to burn.  I crawled about 75% of the way down the gym and said out loud, to no one but myself, "I'm done.  I can't do this.  I am done."  I could hear Ryan talking to me but I just kept repeating, "I'm done."  over and over.  He kept saying, "What do you mean?"  I walked over, put on my sweater and glasses and looked across the gym at him.  He was shrugging his shoulders at me in disbelief.  My eyes started to burn and water uncontrollably.  I just put on my coat and shoes and left.  On my way out, one of my other instructors could see I was upset and tried to talk to me.   I just did not want to see anyone.  I did not want to talk to anyone.  And I certainly did not want anyone to see me cry.  Of  course, once I left, I felt like an idiot.  I cried the whole way home.  I cried myself to sleep.  I cried most of the morning today.

I am unbelievably hard on myself.  The 40 years of believing I am worthless and that I cannot and will not achieve anything of any merit has taken it's toll on my self worth.  No matter how hard I try, I expect to fail.  I have a brick wall of fear built so high and so wide it is seemingly impossible to break down.  Fear that I won't be able to keep up.  Fear that I won't be able to do what I am required to do.  Fear that I will never be good enough for anyone.  Fear that everyone will see that I am a fraud and that I do not belong.  I seriously think that one day I will enter my gym and someone is going to say, "You don't belong here, why do you keep coming back?"

I shared this fear with Ryan and all he said to me was, "Mary, you do belong here."   Years of believing negative things about myself has lead me down a very narrow path.  It is almost like a hallway that gradually becomes narrower and narrower.  I can't turn around, I can't go forward and I am stuck, so I can't go back.  It is a crippling fear.

In bootcamp and my other classes, I am slower than the others and it really bothers me.  I know that we are all on different levels. I know that the others have been working at this longer than I have.  I know that I have made great progress and have lost a lot of weight.  I know all of these things.  But in the moment, when I am struggling, all I can feel is competition.  I loathe being last.  It upsets me so much when I am the last one to finish.  I feel like I am not as good as the others and that I have disappointed everyone.  I have always been the kid picked last or the kid that no one wanted on the team.  I avoided gym class at all costs.  I don't even run for the bus. So, this level of physical activity is new to me.   I do not want to become complacent, like I have in the past.  I am working on my self-confidence but it is a hard battle.  Probably the most difficult battle I will ever fight.  I feel as though these struggles I face in class are killing any confidence I am building.  Two steps forward and three steps back.  It is a hell of a mind game. 

Fear is met and destroyed with courage"     John F. Bell

Pushing past the fear is the only way to get away from this smothering feeling.  I need to close my eyes and just go.  But it is like making yourself fall.  How can you pull your legs out from under you if you know you are going to land on your ass?  How do I learn to not be so hard on myself?  How do I learn to be happy with the progress I have made without paying attention to other people.   I know that I do not need to compare myself to anyone else or measure my worth or my progress against anyone else.  Yet I still do it.

Today, after a lengthy conversation with Ryan, more tears and a lot of soul searching, I realized I have a lot of work to do both mentally and physically.  I thought I had the mental and emotional aspects of my life under control and that all the training I am doing would take care of the physical.  My reality is much different.  I have weight to lose, muscle to build and confidence to establish!

One lesson I have learned over the past few years is if I don't know how to do something, I should "act as if."  So, I think I should start acting as if I believe in myself, acting as if I am good enough.  I only need to be good enough for myself.  I only need to challenge myself, compete against myself.  Not against the other people in class or anyone else for that matter.

Maybe one day soon, I will begin to believe it.