Little Miracles

One of my co workers is an amazing cook. I mean, she is really too notch. This is a woman who can make boring beef stew an event that children of future generations sing songs about. She is also a pretty damned good baker as well. I know these to be facts because I was her willing sampler for many a cake, egg roll or soup.

Today, there was a birthday in the office. And my friend, ever eager to please, created a magnificent carrot cake that would make Ladies Home Journal stop and take notice. She told me that she would be making this cake for the birthday girl a few days ago. I put it out of my mind. These days talk of sweets has started to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher; indistinguishable garble. I ventured down the hall today, forgetting about birthdays and carrot cakes, to ask a question of some sort. As I opened the door, I could see it. It was almost as if it was standing on tip toes from across the room, to make sure I could see it, in all of its cream cheese and coconut frosting glory. Not that it needed to stand on tip toes since it stood about as tall as a toddler.

Now, in my old life of just over 5 months ago, my feet would have barely touched the floor on my way to get the biggest plate for the biggest piece to put in my big mouth. My heart would be racing in anticipation of becoming one with this sugary beast. My mouth, watering to taste something that really would have skipped right over my taste buds since I probably wouldn't have even chewed it. Five months ago, the cake would have won and I would have suffered with guilt, a headache and nausea.

Today, I barely made eye contact with this Ladies Home Journal cream cheesed and coconut frostiness piece of art, even though I could feel it staring me down. It was trying to break me. Clearly, it had no idea of the army I now have backing me up. I took note of the enormous pieces on all the plates, but I really just wasn't interested. I didn't even mourn the loss of that rush I once revelled in. At first, I thought something more powerful than my desire to devour that entire cake had taken over and guided me out of the moment. Then I realized, it didn't guide me out of the moment at all. The truth was in the whole five minutes I was in that office, I did not once even have the desire to take a bite. It didn't guide me out of the moment because I was never "in it" in the first place.

When I started program, I never truly believed I would even gain abstinence. But when I did actually consider it may happen, I had this Hollywood idea of how things would be. I felt there may be some sort of glow in the dark epinphany punctuated by some slogan or self- righteous lecture to the pitiful person who dared to offer me one of my trigger foods. But, it didn't happen that way. I was there, the cake was there. Then I left. It was really rather simple and quite uneventful. I left without a headache, without nausea and without guilt. In fact, once that door was closed I didn't even think of it again. I won. And it felt good.

God grant me the serenity....

I say these words, twice, every Thursday night. But do I really believe them? Do I buy into it? Do I trust that God, whoever or whatever that is will be able to grant me the serenity to accept that which I can not change? After 38 years of thinking and acting in such a self destructive way, can I really put my trust into something that I can not even be sure I understand? Will this enable me to make my way through each day peacefully? How could this be possible?


the courage....


Every morning I get up I wonder how I am going to manoeuvre through my day. How will I face the challenges that will be put before me? Am I to trust that God will guide me? I don't think so. How can I trust in something I can't even see? I guess that is what they call faith. Where am I going to find this courage to trust in something I don't understand? I do not trust. It is not in my nature to. I rely on myself and no one else. Period. Is trusting in something you don't completely understand wise?


the wisdom....


Reading, listening and letting myself be in the moment each day has helped me slowly and carefully find my way. I have discovered through the gifts of my friends on Thursday nights how to discover the serenity, courage and wisdom to battle my demons and fix that which ails my soul. There are no quick fixes and no magic pills to take away the pain and heartache of all the years of destruction I have done. The only solution is to be persistent, present in each day, being open minded and willing to accept help from those who have walked the same rocky road before me. As the prayer says, there are things I will not change simply because I can't. I have to accept this for what it is and put my energy into the things that I can change. I still don't understand what or who my Higher Power is but I have come to understand that is ok. It is slowly taking form. This is a process and not a race. I don't have to be the first one to the finish line. The key is to just keep going and hold my head high.


So, the next time that I say this prayer, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference, I can truly live these words and feel them in my core.