Lose weight -- Get a Husband.

I will be the first to admit, my self confidence is not my strongest asset.  It has been getting much better over the last few years, but it has been the toughest muscle to build for sure.  It has held me back from doing many things in my life.  I have avoided situations, avoided people, ruined relationships, stopped myself from doing things I really wanted to do all because I have had no self confidence. 

In January of 2011, when I walked through the doors of my local big box gym, I had managed to gain a little bit of confidence.  I decided I would go in, do what I needed to do and leave.  It seemed friendly enough there.  At least that is what their advertisement suggested.  It was shiny and new and gave out promises of creating a shiny, new me.  That is what I wanted....a new me.

Of course, when I went in, I was beguiled into a 6 session package with a trainer of their choosing.  I wasn't even sure if I would be meeting with a male or a female.  I wasn't even sure if I would be comfortable or connect with this person.  All I really wanted to do was join the gym quietly, use the treadmill every once in a while and leave.  But, since I was trying to create a new and better me, I did what they suggested and met with the trainer.  After three sessions, we had a "sit-down conversation" where he laid out my options to continue on, reviewing all the wonderful reasons he was the one to change my life.  Of course most of the reasons were thinly veiled insults.  There was a concerted effort to break down the little bit of confidence I had built in order to writhe himself in. 

And break down my confidence he did.

When he was reviewing with me all of the many reasons a thinner version of me would be such a better version, he asked if there was a man in my life.  I was taken aback and tried to pretend I didn't know where his line of questioning was going. But I knew.  I ashamedly said "No."  He then printed in big bold letters on my personal evaluation form the word *HUSBAND* and circled it vigorously numerous times.  I actually thought the pen would rip the paper.  I could feel my face flush red with embarrassment and I felt a little sick.  Basically he was telling me I was single and therefore must be miserable due to the fact that I was obese.  And because I was overweight, I was worthless.  My worth was in direct relation to size of my ass.  If I were  thinner, I would be a better person and therefore attract a man and therefore be complete.  Damn you, Renee Zellweger.

And I believed him.

Of course I believed him!!!  I have believed this my whole life.  I have always believed if I was thinner (and of course prettier), I would be happier, richer, more successful, more likeable and just an all around better person.  I have just never had anyone so blatantly point it out to me.  So I thought if this bouncy, young, fit trainer was confirming it for me, it really must be true.  I really was worthless because I was fat.  So when he told me how much this magical training was going to cost me, he actually huffed in disgust that I would question the number.  Why would I put a limit on the amount of money I would spend on this new,shinier and most importantly thinner version of myself?  I wanted a husband, didn't I?  So of course, I signed up for 6 months of training with him.   

Now don't get me wrong, it was not all bad.  I did lose a little weight and I created a habit of becoming more active.  I worked on becoming healthier and I tried to become focused.  My training ran out and I opted not to sign up again for various reasons. 

Thankfully since that moment of deep embarrassment, I have made great strides in my self confidence and my self worth.  My only concern now is being better than the person I was yesterday.  Those words and weakly disguised insults have stopped hurting me long ago.  I am blessed with a new found determination for personal success.  I have come to realize that on the other side of this deep fear and lack of confidence I have had for so long is a freedom I could have never dreamed of.  I am a much better version of myself today.

And I am still single.

Roasted Broccoli

Eating clean has always been a challenge for me.  I have a long, complicated relationship with food.   I have dieted, binged, starved, not cared, cared deeply, lost weight and gained it over and over again.  I love food.  I like to eat delicious things!

Lately, I have been trying very hard to stay on an Eat Clean path, but I will be the first to admit that it is not easy to do.  A big part of this is that I get so bored.  When I get bored, I graze.  When I graze, I lose all focus and determination.

So my new strategy is to take clean eating ingredients and make them as interesting while maintaining their "clean" quality. 

Clean & cut Broccoli

I saw a posting for Roasted Broccoli online somewhere and thought....hmmm.....I've got to try this one.

So, I start with a clean head of broccoli, cut the florets off.  I find the smaller I cut them, the quicker they become tender in the oven. 



Then toss the broccoli florets together with 2 tablespoons of olive oil and spread them on a cookie sheet. sprayed with a non-stick spray.  I use Pam.  Then I sprinkle Epicure Sesame Crunch Topper.  But you could use whatever spice you wanted. 

You can use whatever spice you want

I have pre-set my oven to Broil, pop them in the oven and just keep an eye on them.  It depends how big you cut your broccoli as to how long it will take.  This batch took maybe 5 minutes.  Just keep an eye on it and when it starts to get a little brown around the edges, it is usually done.

Sometimes I like to sprinkle some cheese on top.




This is my newest favourite treat.

~YUMMY!!!!~