“You MUST come to my birthday party!”
Ever exuberant, my friend was almost bursting out of her shallow skin as she talked about yet another event to celebrate herself.
“Ok...”
I was sure I heard a crack. My teeth were clenched so hard, forcing myself to keep my smile from caving in on itself.
“And we are having CHOCOLATE FONDUE!”
Thankfully she was spinning around herself so much that she didn't see me flinch as my heart dropped to my feet. She also didn't notice that I didn't respond. Her excitement did not carry over to me, but I continued to clench my teeth until my jaw seized up. I knew the “C” word was coming at some point in the conversation, I just didn't know when and I didn't know how. My friend has had a long, healthy relationship with that milky brown ex of mine. I expect one day she will have a life sized model of herself fashioned out of dark, Swiss chocolately goodness for all her friends to dance around in celebration. My relationship with “C” has been anything but healthy. It has been sordid, secretive and sloppy. It has brought me to tears, to my knees and to the brink of a place I didn't think I would ever come back from. Generally, a huge hot mess.
This friend and I have had an interesting history. It has been broken, repaired and cracked again. Our similarities have battled with our differences. I have accepted the fact that my friend is not going to change those things about her that are so polar opposite to me. I have learned to love the things about her that make me smile and ignore the things that make me clench my teeth. I have stopped being uncomfortable around her because I wasn't able to deal with the situations we found ourselves in. These situations usually consist of talking over heaps of food. She was eating to enjoy herself. I was eating to pretend I was enjoying myself.
I have summounded the courage within myself to become the person I never knew could exist but always wanted to be. That, has made me a happier person and a better friend. It has given me a freedom I did not know existed!! It has allowed me to walk away from situations that I know are not healthy or safe for me.
I am so thankful that I have been able to see things with a different set of eyes in the past few months. The things that used to be a source of anxiety for me have softened. I have been blessed with wisdom, strength and the hope for better things. For so long, I was part of a herd. Just following along with what other people wanted and needed, never even considering myself as part of the equation. Now, I feel as though I am being lifted up by a force greater than myself. My only job is to keep my connection with this powerful force open, honest and consistent.
Through all this, my relationship with “C” has also evolved. In fact, we broke up. We don't talk anymore. It is a toxic relationship and one I am not prepared to venture into ever again. I am not giving up my happiness, my joyousness nor my freedom for one more spin around the dance floor.
So, as my friend chattered on and on about the guests, the clothes she would wear, the food and wine, I was blessed to be able to notice the colour of the sky. It was sunset and the sky looked like it was on fire. The oranges and reds were dancing with the blues and white. Day versus night. They were different but they had to share the same space, at least for a little while. Then, they could rest until the sun came up and the dance would begin again.
