Battling my weight and evaluating my self worth has been like a life long war on myself. I have never felt completely comfortable in my own skin. I am not even sure I would recognize that sensation. Almost all of my earliest memories involve me feeling bad about the way I look or the size of my body. There has never been a time in my life when I have felt like I was good enough for my family, my teachers, my classmates, the people I thought were my friends and certainly not ever for myself. I have very few "happy" childhood memories. All my life, there has been someone who has pointed out my flaws to the point of taking how uncomfortable I feel to a whole other level.
I have been on this part of my journey now for a little over 3 1/2 years. My life has certainly changed quite a bit for the better, but still, I have not reached my goal. Sometimes, I feel as though my goal is unattainable. Sometimes I feel like I am racing toward a constantly disappearing finish line. There are days that I just feel like giving up. On cold winter mornings when I have to wake up even earlier to warm and scrape my car for the 25 minute drive to the gym, I think to myself "why the hell am I sitting in my cold car at 5:30am. I could have just stayed in bed for an extra 2 hours?"
Then I arrive at the gym and it all becomes clear to me. I feel free as soon as I walk through the doors. Never in my life have I felt as strong or like I belong more than I do when I am in my gym. There is no judgement allowed. I am not allowed to judge myself or think that anyone else is judging me. I have learned to focus on the task I am given. I look at what is in front of me and nothing else. When I start to over think or pace, I am quickly put in my place.
Then the magic begins.
My body has been pushed to limits I never even knew existed. I have jumped, squatted, lunged, lifted, thrown, punched, kicked and sweated more than I ever dreamed possible. I have also laughed, cried, been bruised, bled and swore about as much. Nothing in my life has ever made an impact on me as when I walk through the doors of my gym. My physical strength has improved so much, I sometimes shock myself. My mental strength is building as well, even if it is a little slower. I am still very hard on myself, but I am learning to be nicer to myself. It is a hard lesson though.
So even though sometimes I feel as though I am on a hamster wheel in regards to reaching my fitness goals, I am now aware more than ever that every time I walk through those doors, I am one step closer to being stronger, healthier and happier than I was the last time I was there. I have already achieved so much. And once I reach my goals, I will have new ones to attain.
There is no finish line.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Another New Year, Another Chance to Start Over
As I sit here on December 31, 2013, I am amazed at how far I have come in three short years. In 2010, my life was on a quick spiral to an even darker place than I was in. I felt lost, alone, desperate and like I just couldn't go on any further. It was a hopeless, dark hole with no foreseeable way to get out.
Thankfully, I am not in that dark place any more. Today I am stronger, happier and healthier than I ever have been in my whole life.
But, there is still progress to be made.
I used to think that I was racing toward this invisible finish line, that I was in a race with myself and the people surrounding me. I felt panicked, like I was in a dream and my legs would not move, no matter how hard I tried to run.
I have learned that taking life one day at a time, living life on Life's terms and simply trying to be better than I was yesterday is all I need to do. I do not need to compete with anyone. I do not need to compare myself to the progress or the abilities of anyone except the person I was yesterday. When I do fall into that cycle, I simply frustrate myself into failure.
I no longer make resolutions. Those are simply broken promises I deceive myself with. For 2014, I have a list of goals. Some of them are big and some are small. Thankfully, I now know that is okay. I no longer think I need to conquer the world by January 15th.
Over the last year, I have made further physical strides than I have ever dreamed possible. I could never have imagined myself doing the things that I have accomplished in 2013. I feel like a completely different person than the sad, lonely girl I was in 2010. I no longer feel like I just want my life to end so the pain would stop. I now crave the day-after ache from a brutal workout. I am addicted to the hour I spend with my trainer. I wake up at 530am so I can train at 630am. I drive more than 20 minutes to my gym 6 days a week. These are the most wonderful gifts I have ever given myself.
And still, I will never forget the girl that was swollen, obese and broken She was in a constant food fog, letting her life pass her by while getting more miserable, more uncomfortable and more despondent with each passing minute. That girl will always be a part of who I am. She will always be there to remind me of how it was, how it very easily could be and how I never want to be ever again.
So, as 2013 turns into 2014, I find myself so very grateful. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned this past year, whether they were challenging or clear and easy. Every lesson is so important. I am grateful for the amazing people who have fallen into my life that support me at every turn. Most days I am astonished at how lucky I am. I am also grateful for the not so wonderful people I have encountered, for they have offered me growth and self reflection. I am grateful for my health and my new outlook on life. I refuse to give up on myself. I will get up if I fall.
I am my own Heroine.
Thankfully, I am not in that dark place any more. Today I am stronger, happier and healthier than I ever have been in my whole life.
But, there is still progress to be made.
I used to think that I was racing toward this invisible finish line, that I was in a race with myself and the people surrounding me. I felt panicked, like I was in a dream and my legs would not move, no matter how hard I tried to run.
I have learned that taking life one day at a time, living life on Life's terms and simply trying to be better than I was yesterday is all I need to do. I do not need to compete with anyone. I do not need to compare myself to the progress or the abilities of anyone except the person I was yesterday. When I do fall into that cycle, I simply frustrate myself into failure.
I no longer make resolutions. Those are simply broken promises I deceive myself with. For 2014, I have a list of goals. Some of them are big and some are small. Thankfully, I now know that is okay. I no longer think I need to conquer the world by January 15th.
Over the last year, I have made further physical strides than I have ever dreamed possible. I could never have imagined myself doing the things that I have accomplished in 2013. I feel like a completely different person than the sad, lonely girl I was in 2010. I no longer feel like I just want my life to end so the pain would stop. I now crave the day-after ache from a brutal workout. I am addicted to the hour I spend with my trainer. I wake up at 530am so I can train at 630am. I drive more than 20 minutes to my gym 6 days a week. These are the most wonderful gifts I have ever given myself.And still, I will never forget the girl that was swollen, obese and broken She was in a constant food fog, letting her life pass her by while getting more miserable, more uncomfortable and more despondent with each passing minute. That girl will always be a part of who I am. She will always be there to remind me of how it was, how it very easily could be and how I never want to be ever again.
So, as 2013 turns into 2014, I find myself so very grateful. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned this past year, whether they were challenging or clear and easy. Every lesson is so important. I am grateful for the amazing people who have fallen into my life that support me at every turn. Most days I am astonished at how lucky I am. I am also grateful for the not so wonderful people I have encountered, for they have offered me growth and self reflection. I am grateful for my health and my new outlook on life. I refuse to give up on myself. I will get up if I fall.
I am my own Heroine.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Lessons and Life Changes
One year ago, my life flipped upside down.
I was told about a trainer by a co-worker. She was selling tickets to fund raise for a local event and one of the "prizes" was one month free of bootcamp and 5 free training sessions with this friend of hers named Ryan. I had stopped with a trainer at a big box gym that I had trained with for about 6 months. I enjoyed it but I was not passionate about continuing on. I had made strides in my weight loss but I knew I was losing my momentum. I knew I needed something.
So, I made the decision to meet with Ryan "Manimal" Staples about training with him and I have not looked back since.
That first day, I drove up and down Sackville Dr. for a while and then I sat in my car in the parking lot for another while just to build the courage to walk through the doors of a Martial Arts Gym to meet with someone named "Manimal". If that isn't stepping outside of my comfort zone, I do not know what is. It was not an easy decision for this fat girl but it was by far the best one I have ever made for myself. I can remember sitting in the parking lot, thinking to myself "THIS is where he works?" I will admit, I was very skeptical. After all, my last gym was big, shiny, two floors and full of spandex and mirrors. On this day, I was looking at the basement of a car parts store, with some mats thrown down on the floor. The main door, which was a garage door was pulled up and it looked pretty dingy. I took a deep breath and got out of my car.
One year later, I am stronger, happier and healthier than I ever have been in my whole life.
Am I at my goal? No, I am not. But I know that I will get there because I have the support of someone who *truly* cares; someone who is invested in my health, physical and emotional well being, beyond a pay cheque. That is so rare and so precious. I have never, in my whole life, had one ounce of the support that I get from Ryan. I have always been the girl that was ignored, laughed at and bullied. I skipped gym class and used the fact that I had a problem with my knee to my advantage as much as I possible could. Today, I am pushing myself further than I ever have. I am not allowed to baby my knee any more.
Ryan calls me on my bullshit on a regular basis (which is often and what I totally need) and *will not* say "I told you so.", even when I really, really deserve it. Ryan has seen me at my absolute worst yet I have never once felt uncomfortable around him. Months ago, when I bolted from Bootcamp because I thought I could not keep up and thought I wasn't good enough, he made it his priority then and continues to make sure I know that I am good enough and that the people in my life, my gym family, care about me and want me to succeed and will do whatever they can to help me get to my goals.
I feel very blessed to have such a driving force in my life and I never, ever take it for granted. I have achieved things I never even dreamed possible. I never dreamed it because this life I am living now was never in my realm of what my reality could be. I was the girl that wanted to wake up thin. I actually would lay in bed and pray to God to wake up with a body like Cindy Crawford. I would bargain with him...."If you give me a skinny body, I will be the best person ever." Then I would be indignant because I had the same out of shape body in the morning. Today, I am working to have a body like Ronda Rousey. I am working for it. I am not there but I am closer than I have ever been in my life. It feels good to have new priorities.
This past year has been life changing. And I know THIS is just the beginning. Anything is possible, if only you believe in yourself. And if you can't believe in yourself yet, finding someone who does is one of the best blessings you could hope for.
I was told about a trainer by a co-worker. She was selling tickets to fund raise for a local event and one of the "prizes" was one month free of bootcamp and 5 free training sessions with this friend of hers named Ryan. I had stopped with a trainer at a big box gym that I had trained with for about 6 months. I enjoyed it but I was not passionate about continuing on. I had made strides in my weight loss but I knew I was losing my momentum. I knew I needed something.
So, I made the decision to meet with Ryan "Manimal" Staples about training with him and I have not looked back since.
That first day, I drove up and down Sackville Dr. for a while and then I sat in my car in the parking lot for another while just to build the courage to walk through the doors of a Martial Arts Gym to meet with someone named "Manimal". If that isn't stepping outside of my comfort zone, I do not know what is. It was not an easy decision for this fat girl but it was by far the best one I have ever made for myself. I can remember sitting in the parking lot, thinking to myself "THIS is where he works?" I will admit, I was very skeptical. After all, my last gym was big, shiny, two floors and full of spandex and mirrors. On this day, I was looking at the basement of a car parts store, with some mats thrown down on the floor. The main door, which was a garage door was pulled up and it looked pretty dingy. I took a deep breath and got out of my car.
One year later, I am stronger, happier and healthier than I ever have been in my whole life.
Am I at my goal? No, I am not. But I know that I will get there because I have the support of someone who *truly* cares; someone who is invested in my health, physical and emotional well being, beyond a pay cheque. That is so rare and so precious. I have never, in my whole life, had one ounce of the support that I get from Ryan. I have always been the girl that was ignored, laughed at and bullied. I skipped gym class and used the fact that I had a problem with my knee to my advantage as much as I possible could. Today, I am pushing myself further than I ever have. I am not allowed to baby my knee any more.
Ryan calls me on my bullshit on a regular basis (which is often and what I totally need) and *will not* say "I told you so.", even when I really, really deserve it. Ryan has seen me at my absolute worst yet I have never once felt uncomfortable around him. Months ago, when I bolted from Bootcamp because I thought I could not keep up and thought I wasn't good enough, he made it his priority then and continues to make sure I know that I am good enough and that the people in my life, my gym family, care about me and want me to succeed and will do whatever they can to help me get to my goals.
I feel very blessed to have such a driving force in my life and I never, ever take it for granted. I have achieved things I never even dreamed possible. I never dreamed it because this life I am living now was never in my realm of what my reality could be. I was the girl that wanted to wake up thin. I actually would lay in bed and pray to God to wake up with a body like Cindy Crawford. I would bargain with him...."If you give me a skinny body, I will be the best person ever." Then I would be indignant because I had the same out of shape body in the morning. Today, I am working to have a body like Ronda Rousey. I am working for it. I am not there but I am closer than I have ever been in my life. It feels good to have new priorities.
This past year has been life changing. And I know THIS is just the beginning. Anything is possible, if only you believe in yourself. And if you can't believe in yourself yet, finding someone who does is one of the best blessings you could hope for.
That is me in the pink top in the upper left hand corner. Ryan is in the middle, throwing up his arms in victory. This is my happy place. I am never happier than when I am sweating and feel like I am going to throw up.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Top 10 Things I Learned from 8 Weeks of Hell
I have just completed an Eight week bootcamp that my instructor affectionately called Eight Weeks of Hell. It was intense. Some days were harder than others, but I am so glad that I did it. It was definitely a learning experience in more ways than one. These are the top 10 things that I learned during this 8 week program.
10. Just because people pay money for an exercise regime, doesn't mean they are going to follow it. I was shocked at the amount of people that disappeared from class. We started out with 24 people. Today, the last day, there were 5 of us.
9. You don't need any fancy equipment to get an amazing work-out. Body weight exercises can be just as or MORE effective than any kind of equipment. Squats, push ups, sit ups, jumping jacks, v-sits, burpees....if done in the right combination, can be exhausting.
8. I CAN do push-ups from my toes. Who knew???
7. Surrounding yourself with positive, like-minded people is the best gift you can give yourself. It is much easier to do this sort of regime with a support team in place.
6. If you think you can't sweat any more than you already have, you are wrong. OH boy, are you wrong!!!
5. Closing my eyes while doing a wall sit really does work. Wall sits are a gift from hell. Closing my eyes and focusing on my breathing helps to get me through. Otherwise, I am looking all around and lose posture too quickly.
4. The word "burpees" instills pain as well as panic in the hearts of many...mostly me.
3. I really can do more than I ever thought I could. I have never had the confidence in myself to believe that I could do what I have done over the past 8 weeks.
2. To be proud of my accomplishments, no matter how big or small they are. This has been a hard lesson as I feel everything should be perfect, the first time I do it...which is utterly ridiculous. I am so proud of myself for doing what I have done.
1. Never, ever question Ryan. There is always a reason for everything he has us do.
10. Just because people pay money for an exercise regime, doesn't mean they are going to follow it. I was shocked at the amount of people that disappeared from class. We started out with 24 people. Today, the last day, there were 5 of us.
9. You don't need any fancy equipment to get an amazing work-out. Body weight exercises can be just as or MORE effective than any kind of equipment. Squats, push ups, sit ups, jumping jacks, v-sits, burpees....if done in the right combination, can be exhausting.
8. I CAN do push-ups from my toes. Who knew???
7. Surrounding yourself with positive, like-minded people is the best gift you can give yourself. It is much easier to do this sort of regime with a support team in place.
6. If you think you can't sweat any more than you already have, you are wrong. OH boy, are you wrong!!!
5. Closing my eyes while doing a wall sit really does work. Wall sits are a gift from hell. Closing my eyes and focusing on my breathing helps to get me through. Otherwise, I am looking all around and lose posture too quickly.
4. The word "burpees" instills pain as well as panic in the hearts of many...mostly me.
3. I really can do more than I ever thought I could. I have never had the confidence in myself to believe that I could do what I have done over the past 8 weeks.
2. To be proud of my accomplishments, no matter how big or small they are. This has been a hard lesson as I feel everything should be perfect, the first time I do it...which is utterly ridiculous. I am so proud of myself for doing what I have done.
1. Never, ever question Ryan. There is always a reason for everything he has us do.
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