I often wonder what it's like to feel comfortable in your own skin. It is a concept that quite frankly is foreign to me. Can other people pinpoint the time in their lives when the image of themselves was sealed in their minds. I can't remember how old I was, but I know I was at least 6 or 7. I remember it happened on Terra Nova Avenue. And I remember it was Kevin Bubel who spoke those ugly words that gave me the first image of myself. I didn't even know what it meant, but I knew by the look on his face and the reaction of the others around me that it was bad. And my poor self image was set and only intensified from there.
Ever since that moment, I have been battling with myself about how I believe I am perceived by the people around me. It has affected every aspect of my life, ruined relationships, prevented me from doing things that I want to do. It has made me hesitant, distrustful, angry all the time, resentful and unpleasant to be around. The simple act of getting dressed to go out with friends causes so much stress, I've often broken down and feigned illness to avoid being seen. I would rather sit home stewing in my own misery, then try to find something to wear to go out with my thin, beautiful friends. I believe that inevitably, I would be ignored, looked over or made fun of at some point in the evening. Going to war with yourself every waking moment of every day is an exhausting process. Trying to end that war is even more exhausting.
So, what do I do? I move to Asia. Land of the waif. Brilliant, yes? Initially, I thought that moving there would help to change me. Transform me into the person that I want to be. But it didn't. It only solidified the horrible perception I have of myself even more. I thought the judgement at home was bad. Hearing "No big sizey" over and over just made things worse. I remember one particular incident when I was on my way to work. Two ajummas were walking toward me, and I could see that they were staring and talking about me. As we passed each other, they stopped and watched me pass. They had looks of disgust on their faces. At that point, I lost my composure. I yelled at them, "WHAT? What do you want?" Yelling at them only made me look worse, I suppose, but I really could not control myself.
Being on the receiving end of criticism for being fat chips away at any self confidence or self worth I may have. Maybe this is why I photograph things. Being behind the camera is a comfortable spot for me. It takes away any potential for the spotlight to be on me. Finding beauty in places where others may not see it is almost like an accomplishment for me.
These feelings are so ingrained in my being, I don't know if I would know myself as a self confident person. And yet, I continue to try.
Mary, you are beautiful! I know it can be hard to hear or believe, but trust me, you are beautiful. Everyone has their issues and when someone points yours out, remember it's because they're trying to hide their own issues. I used to get so nervous in social situations, to the point where I would have tiny panic attacks. I was so worried I would say something stupid or embarrass myself, to the point where I wouldn't say anything at all and I was perceived as stuck up. I finally realized that of course I was going to say something stupid and if someone is going to judge me on it, then that is a larger reflection on them, not on me.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you can see what an amazing, beautiful, woman you are. I miss you.
Thank you Danielle. Your words are so kind. It means a lot. Everyone's perception of beauty is different. Everyone has their own hang ups and issues. I am just now, slowly, grasping the concept that how someone sees or percieves me is about them and not me. It is a comforting yet such a foreign thought. I am able to see past the external appearance of someone to the beauty they possess on the inside, but never really thought anyone could see past my external flaws. Thank you for your kind words.
ReplyDeleteI miss you too.