Fear and Loathing

"Fear is stupid.  So are regrets."  Marilyn Monroe

Well, last night was quite possibly the worst night I have ever had at the gym.  I went to bootcamp with what I thought was a fairly positive attitude.  I completed about 50 minutes of it.  Then, we had to army crawl down the gym, sprint back, do a push up and crawl back repeating it until we did it 5 times.  As soon as we were told to line up, I could feel the anxiety start to build and my eyes start to burn.  I crawled about 75% of the way down the gym and said out loud, to no one but myself, "I'm done.  I can't do this.  I am done."  I could hear Ryan talking to me but I just kept repeating, "I'm done."  over and over.  He kept saying, "What do you mean?"  I walked over, put on my sweater and glasses and looked across the gym at him.  He was shrugging his shoulders at me in disbelief.  My eyes started to burn and water uncontrollably.  I just put on my coat and shoes and left.  On my way out, one of my other instructors could see I was upset and tried to talk to me.   I just did not want to see anyone.  I did not want to talk to anyone.  And I certainly did not want anyone to see me cry.  Of  course, once I left, I felt like an idiot.  I cried the whole way home.  I cried myself to sleep.  I cried most of the morning today.

I am unbelievably hard on myself.  The 40 years of believing I am worthless and that I cannot and will not achieve anything of any merit has taken it's toll on my self worth.  No matter how hard I try, I expect to fail.  I have a brick wall of fear built so high and so wide it is seemingly impossible to break down.  Fear that I won't be able to keep up.  Fear that I won't be able to do what I am required to do.  Fear that I will never be good enough for anyone.  Fear that everyone will see that I am a fraud and that I do not belong.  I seriously think that one day I will enter my gym and someone is going to say, "You don't belong here, why do you keep coming back?"

I shared this fear with Ryan and all he said to me was, "Mary, you do belong here."   Years of believing negative things about myself has lead me down a very narrow path.  It is almost like a hallway that gradually becomes narrower and narrower.  I can't turn around, I can't go forward and I am stuck, so I can't go back.  It is a crippling fear.

In bootcamp and my other classes, I am slower than the others and it really bothers me.  I know that we are all on different levels. I know that the others have been working at this longer than I have.  I know that I have made great progress and have lost a lot of weight.  I know all of these things.  But in the moment, when I am struggling, all I can feel is competition.  I loathe being last.  It upsets me so much when I am the last one to finish.  I feel like I am not as good as the others and that I have disappointed everyone.  I have always been the kid picked last or the kid that no one wanted on the team.  I avoided gym class at all costs.  I don't even run for the bus. So, this level of physical activity is new to me.   I do not want to become complacent, like I have in the past.  I am working on my self-confidence but it is a hard battle.  Probably the most difficult battle I will ever fight.  I feel as though these struggles I face in class are killing any confidence I am building.  Two steps forward and three steps back.  It is a hell of a mind game. 

Fear is met and destroyed with courage"     John F. Bell

Pushing past the fear is the only way to get away from this smothering feeling.  I need to close my eyes and just go.  But it is like making yourself fall.  How can you pull your legs out from under you if you know you are going to land on your ass?  How do I learn to not be so hard on myself?  How do I learn to be happy with the progress I have made without paying attention to other people.   I know that I do not need to compare myself to anyone else or measure my worth or my progress against anyone else.  Yet I still do it.

Today, after a lengthy conversation with Ryan, more tears and a lot of soul searching, I realized I have a lot of work to do both mentally and physically.  I thought I had the mental and emotional aspects of my life under control and that all the training I am doing would take care of the physical.  My reality is much different.  I have weight to lose, muscle to build and confidence to establish!

One lesson I have learned over the past few years is if I don't know how to do something, I should "act as if."  So, I think I should start acting as if I believe in myself, acting as if I am good enough.  I only need to be good enough for myself.  I only need to challenge myself, compete against myself.  Not against the other people in class or anyone else for that matter.

Maybe one day soon, I will begin to believe it.