Boot camp Day 1

I have always hated physical activity. I would find any excuse to not participate in gym class or Field Day. It has always been a lack of confidence. I was the one who wanted to wake up with they body of a super model. I never really wanted to work for it. Dreaming about it seemed far less exhausting. So, for years, I continued to dream and wish and be angry because my unrealistic prayers were never answered by someone else.

I had gym memberships before but was never consistent enough to see any sort of progress or improvement. In January 2011, I decided that I needed to do something about it. I wanted results and I figured that this was the time. I joined the local big named gym, got a trainer and started to work for what I wanted. But there was a small problem. I was never really serious about it. I never really pushed myself like I could have or should have. I would be giggling or joking instead of being focused. Focus is what gets results. I continued with my trainer for 6 months, then the money ran out. I continued at the gym, going in for some cardio and weight training but never for any of the classes. I avoided classes like the plague. Classes intimidated me. I hated the thought of being in a room with 30-40 other people, trying to get the rhythm of the class and looking like a fool. Friends would try to convince me to go with them, telling me how great a workout it was. But I never gave in. I insisted classes and groups were not for me.

A few months ago, a friend at work was selling tickets to support our local Run for the Cure. One of the prizes was a package for some personal training time and boot camp classes at a small Martial Arts gym. I thought, could this be a sign? Could this be what I needed? I had heard about boot camps from different people and of course on TV. I never even considered attending one because, well, I just couldn't. I wasn't physically fit enough, good enough, strong enough. But something happened to my way of thinking over the past year. I realized that if I ever was to be "enough", I had to start somewhere. So, I bought some tickets. Actually, I bought a lot of tickets.

While I was waiting for the draw, I decided to go see what really happens. Sheepishly, I went to the gym with nervous butterflies. It turned out to be such a positive experience! I think I was expecting him to be a jerk with the ego the size of Quebec. But I was surprised. Ryan is a very down-to-earth guy, easy to talk to but I could tell immediately he pushes his clients to the edge. That's what I need.


Today was the day. Today was my first boot camp. Would it be my last? It is a class after all and I am not "a class" person. I woke early. Ate some oatmeal and drove to the gym. I was nervous. I was really worried I wouldn't be able to keep up and I would make a fool of myself. There were 5 other women there. One of the women looked amazing. She has a killer body, loads of confidence and a great personality. Ryan had told me before class started that she did not look like that when she started. She worked hard, did what he said and she was consistent. I looked at her and wondered to myself if I could do that. Could I reach that level of success? Was it possible for me to reach that seemingly unattainable goal that I have held onto for so many years?

Class started with some arm and leg swings and then it was down to business. Kicking, punching, push-ups, squats, burpees and a ton of sweat. At one point I looked at the clock and it was only 25 minutes into the class. I thought to myself "Am I even going to get through this?" But I did. I got through it. I didn't throw up. (I was worried) I didn't cry. (Also worried about this) I did, however, swear a lot.

I was partnered with a quiet gal who had told me she has lost over 100 pounds previous to joining this gym. She had another trainer but left her to workout with Ryan. She was patient with me and I said "I'm sorry" a lot. But I found myself more focused than I had ever been before. And something else happened. I was enjoying myself. I felt relaxed with these women. They were all at different levels of fitness and all shapes and sizes. But more importantly for me, not once did I feel judged.

Tomorrow is another bootcamp. It will be a little different as it won't be so focused on kick boxing. I'm sure all those same insecurities will creep in. Forty years of negative self talk does not go away with one boot camp, but I feel like I chipped a little bit of it away this morning. I know I will never be "skinny" and that is ok. I don't want to be. I want to be fit, healthy and most importantly, happy.