Fear and Loathing

"Fear is stupid.  So are regrets."  Marilyn Monroe

Well, last night was quite possibly the worst night I have ever had at the gym.  I went to bootcamp with what I thought was a fairly positive attitude.  I completed about 50 minutes of it.  Then, we had to army crawl down the gym, sprint back, do a push up and crawl back repeating it until we did it 5 times.  As soon as we were told to line up, I could feel the anxiety start to build and my eyes start to burn.  I crawled about 75% of the way down the gym and said out loud, to no one but myself, "I'm done.  I can't do this.  I am done."  I could hear Ryan talking to me but I just kept repeating, "I'm done."  over and over.  He kept saying, "What do you mean?"  I walked over, put on my sweater and glasses and looked across the gym at him.  He was shrugging his shoulders at me in disbelief.  My eyes started to burn and water uncontrollably.  I just put on my coat and shoes and left.  On my way out, one of my other instructors could see I was upset and tried to talk to me.   I just did not want to see anyone.  I did not want to talk to anyone.  And I certainly did not want anyone to see me cry.  Of  course, once I left, I felt like an idiot.  I cried the whole way home.  I cried myself to sleep.  I cried most of the morning today.

I am unbelievably hard on myself.  The 40 years of believing I am worthless and that I cannot and will not achieve anything of any merit has taken it's toll on my self worth.  No matter how hard I try, I expect to fail.  I have a brick wall of fear built so high and so wide it is seemingly impossible to break down.  Fear that I won't be able to keep up.  Fear that I won't be able to do what I am required to do.  Fear that I will never be good enough for anyone.  Fear that everyone will see that I am a fraud and that I do not belong.  I seriously think that one day I will enter my gym and someone is going to say, "You don't belong here, why do you keep coming back?"

I shared this fear with Ryan and all he said to me was, "Mary, you do belong here."   Years of believing negative things about myself has lead me down a very narrow path.  It is almost like a hallway that gradually becomes narrower and narrower.  I can't turn around, I can't go forward and I am stuck, so I can't go back.  It is a crippling fear.

In bootcamp and my other classes, I am slower than the others and it really bothers me.  I know that we are all on different levels. I know that the others have been working at this longer than I have.  I know that I have made great progress and have lost a lot of weight.  I know all of these things.  But in the moment, when I am struggling, all I can feel is competition.  I loathe being last.  It upsets me so much when I am the last one to finish.  I feel like I am not as good as the others and that I have disappointed everyone.  I have always been the kid picked last or the kid that no one wanted on the team.  I avoided gym class at all costs.  I don't even run for the bus. So, this level of physical activity is new to me.   I do not want to become complacent, like I have in the past.  I am working on my self-confidence but it is a hard battle.  Probably the most difficult battle I will ever fight.  I feel as though these struggles I face in class are killing any confidence I am building.  Two steps forward and three steps back.  It is a hell of a mind game. 

Fear is met and destroyed with courage"     John F. Bell

Pushing past the fear is the only way to get away from this smothering feeling.  I need to close my eyes and just go.  But it is like making yourself fall.  How can you pull your legs out from under you if you know you are going to land on your ass?  How do I learn to not be so hard on myself?  How do I learn to be happy with the progress I have made without paying attention to other people.   I know that I do not need to compare myself to anyone else or measure my worth or my progress against anyone else.  Yet I still do it.

Today, after a lengthy conversation with Ryan, more tears and a lot of soul searching, I realized I have a lot of work to do both mentally and physically.  I thought I had the mental and emotional aspects of my life under control and that all the training I am doing would take care of the physical.  My reality is much different.  I have weight to lose, muscle to build and confidence to establish!

One lesson I have learned over the past few years is if I don't know how to do something, I should "act as if."  So, I think I should start acting as if I believe in myself, acting as if I am good enough.  I only need to be good enough for myself.  I only need to challenge myself, compete against myself.  Not against the other people in class or anyone else for that matter.

Maybe one day soon, I will begin to believe it.

Progress, not perfection

Today I went to my kickboxing boot camp.  It was just me, another gal and Ryan, our instructor.  I have to selfishly say, it was nice to have the one on one direction.  However, I was reminded today of a huge problem I have.  I have this issue with needing to be perfect at anything I try, from day one.  How ridiculous is that?  It is quite ridiculous.  How could I even begin to assume that I could be perfect at something I have never done before?  It is impossible.  Yet today, as Ryan was telling me how to execute a kick, I became so frustrated with myself!  I could feel my anxiety and frustration starting to boil over.  It was all of my own doing.  He was patient and calm.  He tried to explain it to me several ways so I could understand.  Yet, there I was, getting annoyed with myself.  Then I felt the tears. Thankfully, they just burned my eyes and did not fall.

I need to get over my own ego if I have any hope of progressing beyond where I am now.  One of my favourite sayings is "Progress not Perfection".  I need to live this and not just recite it to myself.  Just doing the next right thing and trying the best that I can each day is all that I should expect of myself.  Ryan  told me not to over think anything in life, especially Martial Arts.  It can be overwhelming.  He is so right.  One of my biggest character defects is that I over think absolutely everything and as a result, I always feel overwhelmed.  Perhaps Muay Thai is exactly what I need.  The discipline and focus will be good for me physically as well as mentally.

When I was training with my old trainer, I always expected to be criticized.  I was always hearing how I was doing something wrong.  It was rare that I ever "got it".  It only makes sense since this sort of training is completely new to me.  I totally realize I need a lot of coaching and I have a lot to improve on.  However, I am just not feeling that same sort of pressure.  Maybe that is why I am feeling better about what I am doing and why I can't wait to get back to the gym to train again.  I enjoyed training with my old trainer, but this is on a whole new, exciting level.  Two hours after I got home, I was looking online to see if anyone was going to be there later today so I could go back. 

Tomorrow marks my very first Muay Thai class.  I have been watching YouTube videos of technique.  It is a brutal sport.  It is fast and very violent.  But for some reason, I am attracted to it anyway.  I am not expecting to become competitive anytime soon or really, ever.  I am just going to enjoy the class tomorrow and absorb all that I can.  I am taking it one day at a time and I am not over thinking it.

Always Get Back Up...

As some of you know, I work in a daycare. The other day I was in the office and a preschooler was getting some TLC and an ice pack. I looked at her and said "Did you fall down?" She looked up at me, with a sad look, free of tears and nodded her head yes. I gave her an empathetic look. Then I said, "Did you get back up?" She looked back at me, with a keen smile and nodded her head again. I smiled back at her and said, "You know, getting back up is the most important part of falling." She looked at me with such pride.

In my old life, I would fall down and stay down, allowing myself to be walked on, kicked repeatedly and used. I would let life defeat me over and over all the while stuffing my face with whatever I could get my hands on. It was exhausting; mentally, physically and emotionally but I was blind to the lessons that life offered me. One day about three years ago, I decided to try to pick myself up and stay up. I really wanted, and needed, to see what life could offer me.

Something else amazing happened along the way. I gained confidence I never dreamed I could embody. About a year and a half ago, I started going to the gym. I realized I liked it but never really became passionate about it. Last month, when I won a gift certificate for a personal trainer and access to bootcamps and various Martial Arts classes, I had a good feeling. I have started Muay Thai classes and am feeling so recharged, amazing and strong. I find I am living life with such enthusiasm. I feel like my "three-legged stool" of mental, physical and emotional health is built with tree trunks.

I asked my mother if she could have ever imagined me going to any kind of class like that three years ago. She laughed and said "No way!" I have been given my life. I cannot even say I've been given my life back, because I am living better now than I ever have in my 40 years. I avoided any sort of activity that would draw attention to me. I isolated myself so deeply and was developing such a toxic personality that no one, including myself, wanted to be around me. Thankfully, that person is no longer even on my radar.

However, even within the last two and a half years, I have not been able to see things as clearly as I could. I have not always allowed myself to "live life on life's terms." During my conversation with this preschooler the other day, one lesson became blissfully clear. We are going to trip and fall in life. It may be a big fall or it could be a stumble. Regardless, the important thing is to get up and keep moving. When my Toddlers fall down on the playground because they were running too fast or not paying attention, I tell them to get up and shake it off before it hurts. Nine times out of ten they get up, do a little shake and keep going. Every now and then, they cry and need a hug. And that is ok. But they keep going regardless. That is such a valuable lesson and one I remind myself of daily.

Regrets and Life Choices

I've often laid awake at night, wondering where I went wrong in my life. I am not even close to the person I thought I might be, personally or professionally. I've lost count of the amount of tears I have shed over the wrong turns and bad decisions I have made. Somehow, I have lost my way. I can't even say with sheer certainty that I ever knew what my path was supposed to be. Maybe I was born a lost soul. It's really rather exhausting.

Over the past few months I have been doing a lot of soul searching and intense thinking. Looking deep into myself, I wonder if I really like what I see. The thing about this is, if I don't like it....all I need to do is change it, right?

Boot camp Day 1

I have always hated physical activity. I would find any excuse to not participate in gym class or Field Day. It has always been a lack of confidence. I was the one who wanted to wake up with they body of a super model. I never really wanted to work for it. Dreaming about it seemed far less exhausting. So, for years, I continued to dream and wish and be angry because my unrealistic prayers were never answered by someone else.

I had gym memberships before but was never consistent enough to see any sort of progress or improvement. In January 2011, I decided that I needed to do something about it. I wanted results and I figured that this was the time. I joined the local big named gym, got a trainer and started to work for what I wanted. But there was a small problem. I was never really serious about it. I never really pushed myself like I could have or should have. I would be giggling or joking instead of being focused. Focus is what gets results. I continued with my trainer for 6 months, then the money ran out. I continued at the gym, going in for some cardio and weight training but never for any of the classes. I avoided classes like the plague. Classes intimidated me. I hated the thought of being in a room with 30-40 other people, trying to get the rhythm of the class and looking like a fool. Friends would try to convince me to go with them, telling me how great a workout it was. But I never gave in. I insisted classes and groups were not for me.

A few months ago, a friend at work was selling tickets to support our local Run for the Cure. One of the prizes was a package for some personal training time and boot camp classes at a small Martial Arts gym. I thought, could this be a sign? Could this be what I needed? I had heard about boot camps from different people and of course on TV. I never even considered attending one because, well, I just couldn't. I wasn't physically fit enough, good enough, strong enough. But something happened to my way of thinking over the past year. I realized that if I ever was to be "enough", I had to start somewhere. So, I bought some tickets. Actually, I bought a lot of tickets.

While I was waiting for the draw, I decided to go see what really happens. Sheepishly, I went to the gym with nervous butterflies. It turned out to be such a positive experience! I think I was expecting him to be a jerk with the ego the size of Quebec. But I was surprised. Ryan is a very down-to-earth guy, easy to talk to but I could tell immediately he pushes his clients to the edge. That's what I need.


Today was the day. Today was my first boot camp. Would it be my last? It is a class after all and I am not "a class" person. I woke early. Ate some oatmeal and drove to the gym. I was nervous. I was really worried I wouldn't be able to keep up and I would make a fool of myself. There were 5 other women there. One of the women looked amazing. She has a killer body, loads of confidence and a great personality. Ryan had told me before class started that she did not look like that when she started. She worked hard, did what he said and she was consistent. I looked at her and wondered to myself if I could do that. Could I reach that level of success? Was it possible for me to reach that seemingly unattainable goal that I have held onto for so many years?

Class started with some arm and leg swings and then it was down to business. Kicking, punching, push-ups, squats, burpees and a ton of sweat. At one point I looked at the clock and it was only 25 minutes into the class. I thought to myself "Am I even going to get through this?" But I did. I got through it. I didn't throw up. (I was worried) I didn't cry. (Also worried about this) I did, however, swear a lot.

I was partnered with a quiet gal who had told me she has lost over 100 pounds previous to joining this gym. She had another trainer but left her to workout with Ryan. She was patient with me and I said "I'm sorry" a lot. But I found myself more focused than I had ever been before. And something else happened. I was enjoying myself. I felt relaxed with these women. They were all at different levels of fitness and all shapes and sizes. But more importantly for me, not once did I feel judged.

Tomorrow is another bootcamp. It will be a little different as it won't be so focused on kick boxing. I'm sure all those same insecurities will creep in. Forty years of negative self talk does not go away with one boot camp, but I feel like I chipped a little bit of it away this morning. I know I will never be "skinny" and that is ok. I don't want to be. I want to be fit, healthy and most importantly, happy.

Evolving, Ending and Generally letting go....

“You MUST come to my birthday party!”
Ever exuberant, my friend was almost bursting out of her shallow skin as she talked about yet another event to celebrate herself.

“Ok...”
I was sure I heard a crack. My teeth were clenched so hard, forcing myself to keep my smile from caving in on itself.

“And we are having CHOCOLATE FONDUE!”

Thankfully she was spinning around herself so much that she didn't see me flinch as my heart dropped to my feet. She also didn't notice that I didn't respond. Her excitement did not carry over to me, but I continued to clench my teeth until my jaw seized up. I knew the “C” word was coming at some point in the conversation, I just didn't know when and I didn't know how. My friend has had a long, healthy relationship with that milky brown ex of mine. I expect one day she will have a life sized model of herself fashioned out of dark, Swiss chocolately goodness for all her friends to dance around in celebration. My relationship with “C” has been anything but healthy. It has been sordid, secretive and sloppy. It has brought me to tears, to my knees and to the brink of a place I didn't think I would ever come back from. Generally, a huge hot mess.

This friend and I have had an interesting history. It has been broken, repaired and cracked again. Our similarities have battled with our differences. I have accepted the fact that my friend is not going to change those things about her that are so polar opposite to me. I have learned to love the things about her that make me smile and ignore the things that make me clench my teeth. I have stopped being uncomfortable around her because I wasn't able to deal with the situations we found ourselves in. These situations usually consist of talking over heaps of food. She was eating to enjoy herself. I was eating to pretend I was enjoying myself.

I have summounded the courage within myself to become the person I never knew could exist but always wanted to be. That, has made me a happier person and a better friend. It has given me a freedom I did not know existed!! It has allowed me to walk away from situations that I know are not healthy or safe for me.

I am so thankful that I have been able to see things with a different set of eyes in the past few months. The things that used to be a source of anxiety for me have softened. I have been blessed with wisdom, strength and the hope for better things. For so long, I was part of a herd. Just following along with what other people wanted and needed, never even considering myself as part of the equation. Now, I feel as though I am being lifted up by a force greater than myself. My only job is to keep my connection with this powerful force open, honest and consistent.

Through all this, my relationship with “C” has also evolved. In fact, we broke up. We don't talk anymore. It is a toxic relationship and one I am not prepared to venture into ever again. I am not giving up my happiness, my joyousness nor my freedom for one more spin around the dance floor.

So, as my friend chattered on and on about the guests, the clothes she would wear, the food and wine, I was blessed to be able to notice the colour of the sky. It was sunset and the sky looked like it was on fire. The oranges and reds were dancing with the blues and white. Day versus night. They were different but they had to share the same space, at least for a little while. Then, they could rest until the sun came up and the dance would begin again.

Little Miracles

One of my co workers is an amazing cook. I mean, she is really too notch. This is a woman who can make boring beef stew an event that children of future generations sing songs about. She is also a pretty damned good baker as well. I know these to be facts because I was her willing sampler for many a cake, egg roll or soup.

Today, there was a birthday in the office. And my friend, ever eager to please, created a magnificent carrot cake that would make Ladies Home Journal stop and take notice. She told me that she would be making this cake for the birthday girl a few days ago. I put it out of my mind. These days talk of sweets has started to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher; indistinguishable garble. I ventured down the hall today, forgetting about birthdays and carrot cakes, to ask a question of some sort. As I opened the door, I could see it. It was almost as if it was standing on tip toes from across the room, to make sure I could see it, in all of its cream cheese and coconut frosting glory. Not that it needed to stand on tip toes since it stood about as tall as a toddler.

Now, in my old life of just over 5 months ago, my feet would have barely touched the floor on my way to get the biggest plate for the biggest piece to put in my big mouth. My heart would be racing in anticipation of becoming one with this sugary beast. My mouth, watering to taste something that really would have skipped right over my taste buds since I probably wouldn't have even chewed it. Five months ago, the cake would have won and I would have suffered with guilt, a headache and nausea.

Today, I barely made eye contact with this Ladies Home Journal cream cheesed and coconut frostiness piece of art, even though I could feel it staring me down. It was trying to break me. Clearly, it had no idea of the army I now have backing me up. I took note of the enormous pieces on all the plates, but I really just wasn't interested. I didn't even mourn the loss of that rush I once revelled in. At first, I thought something more powerful than my desire to devour that entire cake had taken over and guided me out of the moment. Then I realized, it didn't guide me out of the moment at all. The truth was in the whole five minutes I was in that office, I did not once even have the desire to take a bite. It didn't guide me out of the moment because I was never "in it" in the first place.

When I started program, I never truly believed I would even gain abstinence. But when I did actually consider it may happen, I had this Hollywood idea of how things would be. I felt there may be some sort of glow in the dark epinphany punctuated by some slogan or self- righteous lecture to the pitiful person who dared to offer me one of my trigger foods. But, it didn't happen that way. I was there, the cake was there. Then I left. It was really rather simple and quite uneventful. I left without a headache, without nausea and without guilt. In fact, once that door was closed I didn't even think of it again. I won. And it felt good.